How addiction changes family dynamics

When one person in a family has an addiction, everyone else in the family feels it. Partners, children, parents, and siblings can all be deeply affected. Addiction and family life are hard to separate, especially if you’re living in the same house as the person who’s addicted. Drug and alcohol addiction can affect trust, intimacy, communication, and often the dynamics between family members. But these changes don’t have to be permanent, and healing and rebuilding relationships is a key part of addiction recovery.

How addiction affects families

Addiction is similar to other illnesses in how it can change family roles. When somebody has an addiction, loved ones may slowly become caregivers, defenders, peacemakers, and accidental enablers.

Older children can end up cooking meals, cleaning the house, looking after their parents’ health, and raising younger siblings. Partners can assume all financial responsibilities, while drinking, drug use, or behaviours like gambling mean paying bills or making ends meet becomes harder and harder all the time.

Family members who don’t live in the home may start avoiding it and visiting less, putting more pressure on those living with the person. Other relatives may constantly offer advice that doesn’t help, even though they have only good intentions.

The person with the addiction takes on a role too because the rest of the family walks on eggshells around them and starts planning around their good days and bad days.

Why trust breaks down

Addiction makes people unpredictable, and it’s really hard to trust someone you can’t predict, even when it’s someone you care about. When a family member has an addiction, plans often fall through, important things are forgotten, promises are broken again and again, and there is sometimes the risk of abuse, violence, theft, or other serious incidents.

Addiction can completely clean out families’ savings and cause frightening and often out-of-character behaviour. The hardest part can be watching someone you love change so much that they’re no longer recognisable. When things are really bad, they don’t seem anything like the person you married or the child you raised.

It can also be hard to understand why a loved one doesn’t quit, especially if they keep saying they will. Eventually, trust can break down entirely, where all anyone is trying to do is get through another day without another fight or crisis.

The emotional burden on families

One thing that we always tell families at Bayberry is that none of this is your fault and there’s no right way to feel about it. Some families we meet feel frightened all the time, waiting for the next phone call. Other families are just angry, both at the person and sometimes at themselves for not seeing it coming or not knowing what to do. You might feel helpless because you’ve tried everything you can think of and the substance use carries on.

There are many families who just don’t feel much at all anymore, because years of living with addiction can leave you completely numb.

The effect of addiction on children

Public Health England estimated that 478,000 children were living with a parent with problem alcohol or drug use in 2019 to 2020. Children are incredibly perceptive, and they understand a lot more than parents realise, even when the adults are careful. Where addiction and children share a home, children often feel it most acutely. Some grow up forced to tiptoe around unpredictable parents, and many end up with jobs no child should have, like getting themselves to school or looking after a parent who’s been drinking.

Children in this position often become very good at reading adults, and may not want to bring friends home or tell teachers or other relatives what’s going on at home. Growing up around drug and alcohol use can increase the risk that the children go on to develop an addiction themselves.

But there are real reasons to be positive. 19% of adults starting treatment last year were living with children, with 58,315 children in those households. Many of those people will go on to make a lasting recovery from addiction, giving their children the chance of a better life and future.

The danger of enabling

Enabling is when families try to help but accidentally make it easier for addiction to continue. Families adapt to addiction because they have to, and when you’ve been living with addiction for a long time, you learn what keeps things calm. Families often cover things up, make excuses, pretend not to notice what’s happening, or bail their loved one out to avoid a real crisis.

At Bayberry, we understand that enabling happens because families love someone and are trying to protect them or control what’s happening. But when families cover things up or step in to rescue, the person avoids the consequences of addiction. This can delay them getting the help they need and leaves the family stuck in an ever-worsening situation.

How families can help without enabling

The first thing is to have an honest conversation about what is going on and how it’s affecting everyone. There may have been many conversations, rows, accusations, and ultimatums over the years, so you may already know when the best time is to talk to them.

Pick a calm time, tell them what you’ve seen, and ask them to get help. You then need to set boundaries, which means explaining what you will and won’t accept, and keeping to it once you’ve said it. That might mean lending no more money, or allowing no drinking at home. They may not be ready to get help yet, but hopefully when they aren’t shielded from the consequences, they will realise that things can’t carry on like this.

Family therapy and support

Family therapy sessions give everyone a chance to say what living with the addiction has been like. Families also learn how addiction works, and how they can support the person without enabling them. Our trained therapists keep the conversation fair, so nobody talks over anyone else.

There are also other support services for families of people with addiction. For example, Al-Anon has meetings in most towns and cities in the UK where families can meet other people in the same situation and provide advice and support to each other. Bayberry can help families connect with their local meetings.

Rebuilding relationships after addiction

Rebuilding relationships after addiction can take time, but it can happen. When trust has broken down, the person in recovery has to show, week after week, that they follow through on what they say.

While it can be hard, families often need to put the past behind them and give their loved one another chance. Promises that were made and broken before someone has had professional treatment are not the same as those made after rehab. At Bayberry, your loved one will have had a chance to look closely at everything to do with their addiction, its causes, consequences, and what they want from life. Family support can be invaluable for recovery, but this often begins with forgiveness, or at least the willingness to be patient and see if this time is different.

Crucially, families also have to look after themselves, too. Children may need the most care of all, because recovery can be a huge transition in the home. The hope is that with time and evidence that things have changed, trust returns and families can start looking towards the future together.

Get professional family support from Bayberry

If your family is living with addiction, contact Bayberry today to learn more about what treatment involves. Our rehab programmes include various forms of support for families, and we’ve seen countless relationships heal after years of damage. Our commitment is to both the person in recovery and their loved ones. Reach out today and let us help bring your family back together.